Stupid phone is dead.

And I am pretty much cut off from the outside world. Will resume communication hopefully tomorrow. . .

Monkeys

The weather's been grand here, so we've been taking a lot of walks. Samaire got a great little hat and sweater from Cathyfor Christmas, so she's got the perfect cold-busters for our current winter happenings. . . (I also got a new hat!) P.S. She's much happier than she looks here about being outside. She just refuses to be our monkey. Will. Not. Smile. On. Command.


So, we took Samaire to Borders yesterday. As we perused the children's books, Sam spotted a stuffed Curious George. Knowing how I loved the great CG as a kid, he held it up for me to see.

Samaire went CRA-ZEE. Every time Sam held George up, she absolutely shook with excitement.

Needless to say, we went home with a new stuffed monkey. The first toy she ever picked out for herself. She held him all the way home, eventually falling asleep, still grasping his ears in her tiny fists as she dreamt away in the bjorn.


And, in case you are wondering, our girl is committed. She loved him still today. After gazing adoringly at him, she eventually fell asleep like this:



I'm afraid Kieran and Hagan might have some serious competition .... :)

Little Family, Big City

I hope you and your families are all healthy and happy. Safe and warm. Loved.

us on our first christmas day together

I know where the sun comes from

I'm two weeks late. This month has been a doozy. I feel like you've bloomed. You talk now and your ever so expressive face now has an equal amount of sounds to match. Your smiles have gotten bigger ... and oh, your laugh. It comes from your toes and I swear it brightens the absolute whole world.

I've been having an especially hard tiem this month. I'm getting ready to go back to work and, well, all those little steps I need to be taking have got me thinking about how these days of you and me are about to become even more precious and far apart. And, there's no other way to put it - my heart is breaking over it. I was always a sort of sensitive soul - crying whenever the "star spangled banner" is played at the baseball games, and at intermission at the musicals your dad take me to. But this, this is different. I honestly feel my heart shatter whenever I think about the day I take that train away from you. Even if it is just for a couple hours. It's a constant ache in my chest now, I'm learning to live with it - but I don't' think it will ever hurt less.

So I've been holding these moments you and I have extra close. And holding you extra close, too. I wake up at night, often, just to watch you. I feel so blessed to have you - I love you so much. And I think you can tell. Sometimes, when you look at me, I think I can see you know it. I hope so.

You said "mama" this weekend. Clear as day. A few times. And seemingly in reference to me. The most obvious time was on Solstice, and i think now it may be my favorite holiday ever. That was the abso-best gift. Of course, each milestone feels that way - your first smile, your first laugh.

But this, I needed this one. And I think you knew that. You're a magical creature, my Sweetums. You know how to put my heart back together.

Samaire welcomes Harper

Samaire welcomes Harper Ophelia Schuster to her ever expanding network of kick-ass friends. She's always wanted to go to Germany.

Congrats to Brandi and Bjorn on their beautiful new baby girl. Much love guys.

S&M&S

Hairdo

I think she likes it .... :)

Raise the Roof!

Her (my) new hat

She looks adorable in it, my little babushka. The sides flap down as well - and it looks even cuter. Not to worry, I fear you shall see tons of pics of her in this hat the next few months. In this picture we're walking to the Meat Packing District to my company party. (I wasn't quite ready for a sitter, so they let me bring her. My company ROCKS - more on that later too.) It probably wasn't cold enough for that hat, exactly. But, um, it's ADORABLE.

I also love this photo as it seems we're making the same face. I don't really feel related to her, that she's "of" me, really. I feel like she's this little magical creature I've been given to keep safe. I still wake up in the morning sometimes and check to make sure she's still here ...

Samaire's First Snow!

Thanksgiving Day, Olathe KS

nothin' to say ... too tired

Photos from our week-long Kansas adventure soon, alas, right now both babe and mama are sick with wicked congestion. We are coughing and sniffling together, and shall live. But moments as this one are rare and fleeting, as I'm now on full cuddle-mode with the puppy.

In news of the good, however, it's Christmas in the city. My favorite time of year. (The plan is to leave the apartment this weekend (at last!) and see some of it. Wish for clear noses so we can do just that.

And, until the latest post-apocalyptic sinus infection/crazy awful cold - the babe could sit up all on her own! I have a feeling she still can, but haven't seen evidence between the whimpers and cries.

Lastly - caring for a sick bay is at once heartbreaking and endearing. I have never seen her be so sad so consistently, and it breaks my heart. But, true to form - she still tries so hard to be happy - cooing and laughing for her daddy when he comes home. And the snuggling. Oh, the snuggling! *sigh* I just wish it were under better circumstances.

Love you all! Miss you already - the Sniffling Stiers Girls

Samaire!

Ok, so to make up for last night's non-Maire post, here we go:

Fin... for now.

I'd ask again...

Cause well, good times.

Reunited

Almost

It begins

When I knew

No real reason, but you do look like a cowgirl...

When you knew?

When the ghost of Bon Jovi knew.

And yes, I only have old pics on my machine... But I'm pro the stroll down memory lane. I loved you then, and love you more now. Smooches babe and thanks for the memories! Here's to a million more.

Dear loyal readers... sorry for the sans Maire post. I'll make up for it tomorrow.

Clean Baby!

I believe Sam just surpassed me in "best baby pic".

Round 1: Fred

The smartest, toughest and hardest working person I've ever met made it through surgery today to remove some unwanted cancer cells. Well done dad, get well soon. We love you.

- Sam, Misty and Samaire

Love

Dear Samaire,

There's been a lot of talk lately about human rights. Who gets them, mostly. A lot of states have been voting against gay marriage - that's the issue, really. Stirring everybody up. Getting everybody all up in arms.

And, well, some day I'll explain to you why some people find it so offensive. I'll try, at least. And not every body finds it offensive - it's just there are people who believe being gay is wrong. And, this is where I falter - it's hard for me to understand. But those people are out there, and dare say I love some of them dearly. We just disagree on this issue.

But aside from all this, because there's a lot there in that above paragraph that you'll need explaining, I know - I'm being pretty obtuse .... ASIDE FROM THIS, it has me thinking. Specifically on how you'll be raised. How you won't be mainstream in many ways. How this decision we've made, your dad and I, will not always be easy for you.

Daddy refers to us already as his witches. We went out Saturday morning and he held an umbrella over us, joking it was okay if he got wet - we were the ones that would melt. And I smiled and held you tighter under his awning.

I can't wait until you're old enough that we can dress as witches together, striped stockings and all, for Samhain. For you to know it's our new year - a celebration of what's come to pass and a way to look forward. That it's more than candy and costumes and tricks.

There's a lot I look forward to. Explaining the magic inside each human being. The treasure of the stars and sun and wind. I know your daddy will relish teaching you the sacred of the natural; the ever-cycling of life, our part in it. How to be a steward and not a mindless consumer.

I look forward to cooking with you - teaching you the purpose of specific herbs in meals, how certain foods come at certain times of year. How to celebrate with them. How to make each action purposeful and hopeful. How living consciously is our prayer.

But I also know that you will run into people who will not value how we're teaching you to live. Who will devalue you due to the things we have taught you. I hope that we'll do a good enough job this will not shake you. And we won't be alone - oh, no. We'll teach you about how every one else lives too. You and Adaela will someday celebrate Christmas and she'll tell you her story and Aunt Leslie and Uncle Andy will be able to answer any question you have I falter on. Aunt Sarah and Uncle Phil, Aunt Jamie and Uncle Ryan - your dad and I have a lot of amazingly wonderful friends. All of whom will help you define your place in this world. How best to walk through it. They will all, I know in my heart, shine light on the road you choose to travel.

Nonetheless, these conversations swirling now about who has right to what. Who is allowed what. What words mean, what the government can control. The ever-blurred line between church and state . . . it has me thinking.

I'm hoping when you're older it's all better, though I know this world will never be perfect. I'm hoping that your dad and I, by surrounding you with various points of view - by teaching you respect and diligence, honor and ethics, that we will above all teach you tolerance.

I know there will be a time when perhaps you will wish your family was more like every body else's. But I'm hoping time will show you we are. That a family - regardless of the details, is a group of people gathered for the betterment of themselves and their community through love. We all deserve that.

That is what matters - throughout all of this. Love.

Sometimes it's hard to remember. Sometimes it's hard to do. But all the time, it's what ultimately matters.

Oh, small one. It is with love; great, astonishing, overwhelming love, I shall send you into the world someday.

In hopes you will share the same.

Smiles per Leslie's Request :)

Have I mentioned how much I adore her?!

Hope

I collapsed last night before he made his speech. Being a full-time mom has me extra tired at about ten p.m.

I awoke this morning with the sun somehow brighter. My heart lighter.

We did it. We called for change and then made it happen.

A lot of people are upset. There are snide comments across facebook about higher taxes, socialism and what have you. I coudl go on and on about how we shoudl have been paying higher taxes these last eight years (we are at war, you know). Or snide back about the proper use of the term "socialism" - but I can't. Simply put, I won't.

I'm too in love with my country right now. Too proud of myself and everyone else who stood and voted - who saw past race and party lines and came together in the hope we could redefine America to the world, and ourselves.

I truly believe these first four (maybe eight!) years will be to the benefit of my daughter. And that makes me the most happy.

And it is that hope, that belief, that has me saying:

Thank you and good luck, Mr. Obama. You're in my prayers.

Love

She's changing every day. Growing, becoming more "her." Or, rather, learning how best to show us who she is. She has definite opinions now, preferences; she knows what pleases her - or rather, doesn't. It's wonderful to watch.

She talks more now too. She'll sit and sing with her daddy, or curl up with me and have whole conversations. I get the feeling now she's understanding more and more of what we say. I find both of us when she cries asking her to tell us what's wrong - which seems silly, I know - but she oftentimes will stop crying and in a very sad, pathetic little voice begin to actually do just that.

And oh, her faces. When she's sad it's enough to break my heart. Though when she smiles and giggles it seems my whole world brightens. She's only belly laughed once (a few weeks ago when her Aunt Leslie Stiers was here) but those smiles are enough for me. Every morning, when she wakes up next to me and Sam she looks around and fusses a bit, and then when she sees us she breaks into the greatest little grins.



I'm searching in these entries to convey to you how much I love her. How I can't remember life without her. But words fail me. All I can say is that my heart is full. I would have never imagined being so in love with my husband. Being married to my bestest friend, that he'd be such an amazing husband: that I would marry the guy I'd been dreaming about for so long. That this guy would even exist. And then, above and beyond that - I would be lucky enough to have a child with him. A child so wonderful and amazing. So sweet and already kind.



I can't. There's no way to convey to you. But I'll keep trying. One miserably written entry at a time.

3 days late for 3 years

So I'm a few days late, love. But I'm sure you understand. Our world has been a bit crazy and caddywhompus in the most wonderful of days. Of course you managed to give me the most wonderful anniversary present and yours won't be here until Monday - but that should come as no surprise. You always are a bit more together than I am.

And, well, despite my insanity of late this anniversary has been large in my heart. I feel like just when I couldn't' love you more, I look at our daughter and my heart swells. For her. For you. For us.

You and I.

Oh sure, "we" became "three" this year.


And throughout I was frightened on how that would affect us. I mean, seriously, we had it good. And there we were purposely messing it all up by adding a whole 'nother person to the mix. A person who would (and does) demand our every second of time, every ounce of energy - every moment of attention.

And yet, we're finding ways to find each other. Sometimes it's just holding hands walking down the street, sometimes it's sneaking a kiss over her head. Most often it's curling up together in the dark, watching her together.

And that time for the two of us is growing in small, tiny amounts - but it is growing. And though the time is small - the feelings aren't. She might demand a lot - but she gives as much, and one of the biggest things she's given me is a new understanding of you.

A new, deeper love for you.

You as a father. The man who never runs out of funny songs to sing her. Who has endless energy to dance with her when she's tired. Who can make her laugh above anyone else. Who she clings to and so obviously loves. And your love for her is so very obvious. You seem to never tire. Of taking care of her, or me.

When I look at her, I see you reflected. I see your smile, your eyes. Your sheer ornery looks. And I know, I know in my heart, that what makes her so extraordinary, so sweet and wonderful is you.


And I know the same is true for me. You make me better. A better person, and most importantly, a better mother. I am, now this moment, who I am because of your endless love and support of me. Of your tireless devotion to me.

And in those moments in the dark, when your arm is around me and we whisper to each other how wonderful she is - I can't help but marvel too at how wonderful we are. How lucky I am. How proud I am that she will grow up with us as parents. Not because we know what we're doing, not because we've figured it all out. Not even because we're especially good at it.

But because we are in love. Endlessly. Madly. Deeply in love.



And always will be. Oh, my love. It was true on that windy Saturday sunset-filled evening, and it is true now.

My hand, my heart, my soul are yours. In this life and all the ones to come.

Well, love, three years and a day.Our handfasting has run its course. Though it matters not. My hand, my heart, my soul are yours. Always.

Well, love, three years and a day.Our handfasting has run its course. Though it matters not. My hand, my heart, my soul are yours. Always.

Mickey's Not So Very Scary

So there we are - Maire's first trip to Disney World. We dressed up as Cruella DeVille, Jasper and Lucky. Maire had a little hood with ears - but in the rush of the camera man's directions we forgot to put it on.

Ah, well. She's adorable anyhow. We'll have more pictures soon - when I have the time to sit and download them from our camera ...

The past weekend was tiring, exhausting, stressful . . . and wonderful. Two of my bestest friends were there with their little ones and it was unbelievably fantastic to have our families running around and laughing together. Not to mention having them right there to reaffirm a lot of the decisions I've made as a mom - and of course coo over my new, precious babe.

I'll write more soon, but that precious babe is sleeping in (thank god, she was thrashed yesterday - I wasn't the only one who found this weekend exhausting) and I have clothes to unpack and put away.

But trust me - the photos to come are PRICELESS.

:)

More Photos!

We've been really slack on uploading photos lately, I know. And now my phone is mysteriously not mobile posting here, so we've been forced to actually download real photos - so here we are ...

I think my fave pictures are the ones of Sam and Maire sleeping together.

I mean really, does it get sweeter than this dad and his sweetums sleeping in?

The kitten likes to take naps with Maire, too.

I'm convinced her butt is filled with bean.

*sigh*
And, finally, to prove she actually is awake some of the time, I give you the sweetest smile in the world.

Oh, dear lord, I love her so.

P.S. Aunt Jasmin - she loves her giraffe!

daddy's fingers are YUM!

sweet afternoon

Sometimes you just have to say all the chores can just go to hell. Its easy,actually, especially now that she hugs me back.

Me as a Mom

People tell you a million things when you're about to become a mom. There's the weird stuff, all the random advice on how to raise your child ... and the normal stuff - how much you'll love her, how your life will change, how you wont' get any sleep, blah blah blah.

I say, take it all with a grain of salt. Some of it will be completely bogus, some laughable, and some amazingly true - but only once you're in the middle of the madness.
For example, sure, I do love Samaire more than I can put into words. I love Sam even more now (I honestly didn't believe that was possible). And my life has changed. And yet, well, honestly - it's exactly the same. Just better is all. We still go out: to dinners, parties, Mets games. We still plan trips overseas. We still act like morons in public.

One thing that has changed - one thing I wasn't prepared for . . . how primal this would all be for me. Not the labor or the birth - but the being a mom part. It's absolutely, positively a very cellular experience for me. It's a tightening in my chest, a swelling of my heart, an energy that runs from her to me that is absolutely undeniable.

When she cries it really does hurt me and i would move mountains to hold her, to comfort her. When she smiles my whole world lights up. I can go without just about anything as long as she is okay.

I have a hard time handing her over to anyone but Sam. I have a need to keep her close by, with me. Near me. I can't explain it. I want her in my arms constantly and - not surprisingly to anyone, I'm sure - she's pretty much there 24/7.

Maybe this will change when she gets older. Maybe this invisible thread that seems to run between us will eventually fade, but for now I'm relishing it. I'm listening to that piece of me that tells me I need her. That she needs me.

I'm honoring it. It feels completely right. It feels natural. It's the kind of mom I am right now, and I'm okay with it.

this sweet love o' mine

Two Months

How is that possible? How can two months have already gone by?

Two months ago right now, I was disappointed thinking you'd just barely miss the 080808 birthday; but you hustled right on out to join us. You made it with plenty of time to spare. I knew you were extraordinary - and wanted so badly for you to have an extraordinary day all your own ... and you got it - not from any action on my part - but all on your own.

I have a feeling that's how you'll live your life. On your own terms.

You're so small, and yet - I can see that determination, that will inside you. You showed it today when you got your first shots at the doctor's office. At first, you wailed the saddest cry I've ever heard from you. It was so obviously your "I'm hurt" cry it brought tears to my eyes. But the next moment you got real quiet, set your little jaw and looked straight at the doctor - a look that was all "F*#! you! That all you got?!"

You are for sure our daughter. We were beamingly proud.

Your daddy and I love you something crazy. I don't know how we got so lucky as to have you pick us as your parents (I'd like to think Alice and Faris put in a good word for us.)

These past two months have been the most wonderful of my life. I always wanted to do something meaningful with my life - and I've searched long and hard to figure out what that would be.

Turns out, it was you - though the more I think about it, I might be your meaningful thing. You've already taught me so very much.

Love you, little hedgehog.
Mama