Sunday, October 12, 2008

Me as a Mom

People tell you a million things when you're about to become a mom. There's the weird stuff, all the random advice on how to raise your child ... and the normal stuff - how much you'll love her, how your life will change, how you wont' get any sleep, blah blah blah.

I say, take it all with a grain of salt. Some of it will be completely bogus, some laughable, and some amazingly true - but only once you're in the middle of the madness.
For example, sure, I do love Samaire more than I can put into words. I love Sam even more now (I honestly didn't believe that was possible). And my life has changed. And yet, well, honestly - it's exactly the same. Just better is all. We still go out: to dinners, parties, Mets games. We still plan trips overseas. We still act like morons in public.

One thing that has changed - one thing I wasn't prepared for . . . how primal this would all be for me. Not the labor or the birth - but the being a mom part. It's absolutely, positively a very cellular experience for me. It's a tightening in my chest, a swelling of my heart, an energy that runs from her to me that is absolutely undeniable.

When she cries it really does hurt me and i would move mountains to hold her, to comfort her. When she smiles my whole world lights up. I can go without just about anything as long as she is okay.

I have a hard time handing her over to anyone but Sam. I have a need to keep her close by, with me. Near me. I can't explain it. I want her in my arms constantly and - not surprisingly to anyone, I'm sure - she's pretty much there 24/7.

Maybe this will change when she gets older. Maybe this invisible thread that seems to run between us will eventually fade, but for now I'm relishing it. I'm listening to that piece of me that tells me I need her. That she needs me.

I'm honoring it. It feels completely right. It feels natural. It's the kind of mom I am right now, and I'm okay with it.

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