Thursday, February 21, 2008

Pacific Street

There are oceans in our neighborhood.

I have that spark that drives me far away. Far away from my familiar. My family. My friends. I pulled at the reigns of my home town, of every thing I knew. I gasped for air as if the very sky could choke me if I but stood still.

I dreamt bigger than people thought was safe. I refused council and strode forward on my own. I burnt bridges along the way; I left the path. I got lost.

I never quite made it back to where I started, but that was always okay.

I swear I've never been this far before.

I looked to the night sky and wandered. When I felt the grasp of someone's hopes too hard on my heart, I packed up and moved on. I couldn't share my dreams, my path. I would not settle for roots when I knew I could have wings.

I feel restless and I can't sleep.

I would not dream of flying when I could fly.

It wasn't alwasy easy and I was rarely sure. There were many lonely nights of the stereo turned too loudly so my neighbors wouldn't hear me cry. Many early mornings wandering the streets of a city that often felt not quite right, looking for where I must have put my wings.

Where they must be, in this city of millions.

Washed up in some corner bar.

I reveled in being one of thousands. I felt, all the same, out of step.

And then one day, as I turned a corner I had a hundred times before, it was home. Suddenly in the rain and the mist. In the dirty crowd among the buses, I was home.

Stay where we are . . .

And suddenly the sky felt far away, wide and open. The sidewalks stretched before me with every adventure I had ever dared dream.

And my heart soared on wings it had always possesed. Past the buildings, past my fears. Past my loneliness.

Not because you found my wings, not even becasue you gave them to me. But simply because you smiled.

I don't know you except for the way a traveler knows a traveler.

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Looking Forward

We sat around the table and drank a bottle of wine
And it poured around us like a moat till no one could get us, and I was fine
And I said, "Haven't I paid my dues by now, haven't I paid my dues by now
Haven't I paid my dues by now, don't I get the right to choose?
And I choose you to take up all of my time
I choose you because you're funny and kind
I want easy people from now on

Music does strange things. It transcends time and place and often - can bring to you a person who maybe wasn't even around when you discovered to the sounds, but somehow so embody the feel of what you're listening to you can no longer separate the two.

I'm going home in a couple weeks, back to Kansas. Going back there has become harder and harder for me as time has gone by - the list of people I've somehow neglected for years just gets longer and longer. The distance almost gets worse when I am closer. There seems to be no end to the events and requirements and obligations and then, in the two seconds between it all, there's those few who just stand, waiting patiently.

I'm staying with one of those people when I get back. I've held off all kinds of guilt and asking and expectations so she and I can sit, and - well, catch up. You see it's been years. Decades, really. Lifetimes, actually.

My house is full of empty rooms and broken frames and other people's stuff
In my house we see by Christmas lights and your TV, and that seems to be enough
To see what we want to see
You let me be who I want to be
And we'll be easy from now on, from now on

And I find myself looking forward to those couple short nights more than I can put into words. I wish there words to describe how I feel about her. About how somehow when we're together it's so easy for me to see her at 16, to see myself at 17. To see who we were then.

To remember how unrelentingly she supported me through so many truly awful times. I can't count how many tears she witnessed me shedding. How many times, when I was out of hope, she handed me more than I could carry.

Why can't I be easy, why can't I be easy like you?

I have no excuse for the time that passed. For the distance I let grow between us. The reasons were stupid and selfish and most horribly, just neglectful. But we're finding our way back, I think . . . and I feel blessed for that. I feel blessed for having this second chance. Because, honestly? She's more than just my friend. She's my family. And I don’t say that lightly. In a way, it was those years away that crystallized that for me. The fact that she was always somehow in my heart, no matter what, or what wasn't, going on between us. She never left my thoughts.

For you I would give the songs I write, the words I pray, the morning light
That pumps into this room today, if you would only rise, if you would only say
"I want you to take up all of my time
I want you because you're funny and kind
And we'll be easy from now on, from now on"

On my last trip when I finally got to sit with her for a while and just talk. Well. It was like coming home. I know that sounds overly dramatic, but it was. A kind of home I'm starting to value more then any of the other fanciful and sentimental definitions of the word used most.

So, despite the craziness in my life right now and all the unknowns – I’m reveling in the thought of going to spend a couple days with one of the people I love most. And listening to this song makes me all the more excited to go.

"Easy People," The Nields

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

There has never been anything false about HOPE.

Ya'll this all means so much to me, this video actually brought me to tears. Vote, please. We are blessed to take part in our government - to BE a part of our governement. To have voices that can be heard. Speak out today.

Monday, February 04, 2008

Caddywhompus Causes Crazy

Well, my life is a bit of a mess right now - I'm in the (I'll admit blessed) position of making quite a few big decisions and suddenly, now - this minute - the weight of making them for myself, Sam and Spud is weighing exponentially heavy on my heart. It's a weight I've been carrying for quite some time now and seems to only be getting heavier the more time that passes. I have no doubt as soon as I stomp my foot and demand my party, I will feel better - but for the moment I feel small and overwhelmed and like my dad just told me I may never have a golden goose.

And, dammit. I want that goose.

So in the midst of this I've had an incessant need to fix up our apartment RIGHT. NOW. I want it clean and orderly and organized and I want everything little thing to have its place. I'm getting obsessive about this in ways I didn't even know were possible - and let me tell you, I am one obsessive/compulsive little girl.

Sam has been overwhelmingly patient through all this, though I think his recent short trips AWAY from the apartment minus me have been his own secret blessing.

So, for now, I'm living in an apartment with old computers spread about, dust bunnies in corners that haven't seen the light of day for four years and small just STUFF looking helpessly lost on counters, in chairs, one the floor in piles. And it's driving me INSANE.

I know that my incessant need to organize and make clean our apartment now is directly tied to the fact that the rest of my life seems hopelessly scattered, undecided and unknown. I'm desperate for some calm, some peace, some certainty - and, well, a nice apartment will have to fill the gap for now.

I'm counting on the rest to follow. ‘Til then, I'm counting down the days until our new furniture arrives and if you need me - I'll be the one exclaiming "why?! why do we have this?!" repeatedly from a cloud dust and miscellaneous mish-mash.

But man will it be nice soon.

I hope.