I've been letting a lot of other people define me lately. With their assumptions, with their actions - with what they're not saying. I've let my own insecurities make me feel less; less deserving, less talented . . . worth less.
And today I reached my limit.
It felt good. It reminded me of who I want to be, who I am. What I'm capable of. What I deserve.
I put "Take Me or Leave Me" on my headphones on repeat and ran. And ran. And ran. I put the speed much higher than normal and I went as fast as I could. My lungs burned and my side ached. My knee and ankles, my hips felt broken - but I kept going. Because I finally felt in control. I finally dropped all the things I thought people wanted, what I thought was expected of me, and I just went back to me. Feet pounding on the treadmill, breath burning.
I threw away all the baggage that had blinded me to what I want and what I'm willing to accept. I focused on what was important.
And when I got off, shakey and sore, I was ready to face the world again.
On my own terms.
And so . . .
Dear Sir and/or Madams,
I'm afraid in our dealings you have forgotten some very important facts. I have decided to write it all down, lest you miss or forget them again. And to remind myself. It's obvious we both have some recollection issues.
I am a talented and smart designer. Try finding that - it's hard. I have 9 years experience in an industry that is a mere 15 years old. And that's giving it a couple years' credit.
I am a damn good presenter. I am well-spoken and well-read. I will as easily discuss the latest Wired with you as Neruda or Nietzsche.
I am, while not model beautiful, striking when I want to be. And will as easily strike if I feel something important to me threatened.
I can make sure you remember me for a long time to come, and will do so on my own terms.
I am an artist. My painting is rusty, yet still very much not an amatuer's doing. My writing's not perfect, but I can hit the right tone and combination of words from time to time and pull a compelling story out of the air around me.
I can and will affect you. I am no small thing. I am no meager asset, nor a person to be tossed aside or undermined.
I love with ferocity. I do so unflinchingly and unwaveringly.
I try to live in the same manner.
I am starting again.
I am taking from this world what I deserve. I suggest you stand aside. I'm in no mood to apologize, and nor shall I.
6 years ago