Tuesday, December 23, 2008

I know where the sun comes from

I'm two weeks late. This month has been a doozy. I feel like you've bloomed. You talk now and your ever so expressive face now has an equal amount of sounds to match. Your smiles have gotten bigger ... and oh, your laugh. It comes from your toes and I swear it brightens the absolute whole world.

I've been having an especially hard tiem this month. I'm getting ready to go back to work and, well, all those little steps I need to be taking have got me thinking about how these days of you and me are about to become even more precious and far apart. And, there's no other way to put it - my heart is breaking over it. I was always a sort of sensitive soul - crying whenever the "star spangled banner" is played at the baseball games, and at intermission at the musicals your dad take me to. But this, this is different. I honestly feel my heart shatter whenever I think about the day I take that train away from you. Even if it is just for a couple hours. It's a constant ache in my chest now, I'm learning to live with it - but I don't' think it will ever hurt less.

So I've been holding these moments you and I have extra close. And holding you extra close, too. I wake up at night, often, just to watch you. I feel so blessed to have you - I love you so much. And I think you can tell. Sometimes, when you look at me, I think I can see you know it. I hope so.

You said "mama" this weekend. Clear as day. A few times. And seemingly in reference to me. The most obvious time was on Solstice, and i think now it may be my favorite holiday ever. That was the abso-best gift. Of course, each milestone feels that way - your first smile, your first laugh.

But this, I needed this one. And I think you knew that. You're a magical creature, my Sweetums. You know how to put my heart back together.

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