Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Not much to say

I've been awful at updating, I know. I've been in a sort of weird place, figuring out what I want to do with my days and better ways to spend my nights.

It all comes down to I've been working too much, and not everyone I work with is all that pleasant. I won't go into it, of course. But the last week or so has had me re-evaluating where I am and where the focus of my time is and I've decided it's way out of whack. It's hard for me to reprioritize, though. I, at my very core, am a pleaser. I want to make everyone happy. I don't want to disappoint. But sadly that often means *I* am disappointed. And after one too many discussions with Sam about this, ones where I'm in tears and he's trying desperately to get me to understand we can solve it -- I have decided to do exactly what he's been telling me to do.

Figure out what makes me happy. Make lists. (See? You didn't expect that, huh? Cause I lurve me some lists. You'd think I'd do this right pronto. But of course it takes a few weeks of upseted-ness for me to sit down and just solve it all already.)

SO . . . Things that make me happy:

Reading - I love that feeling of not being able to WAIT to pick the book back up again, of learning new things and exploring new worlds and characters

Painting - I'm terrified of starting again. But I am. And once a week I'm making time for it. I have a feeling though once I DO get back in the swing it will be a lot more often than once a week. Right now is the self-portrait; next the urban saints.

Designing - I know, this is my day job and I'm supposed to hate the dreaded 40 hours. But see. I, um, am GOOD at it. As boastful as that sounds. Damn good, in fact. And solving business objectives with visual design is like my own personal rubix cube. And I'm lucky to do it every day. But I need to do it on my own terms once in a while. So I'm making time for this as well. I need a new site. I'm makign it a priority to do new, good work and then show people what I'm capable of. I'm pretty excited about it.

Writing - I'm not great, but I enjoy it. So look forward to more of this - but inifintely better.

The gym - Now, let's be honest right here. I don't love this. But I miss feeling good about how I look. All the time. I miss not thinking about it ever, and I want to get back there. So, back to the gym. Or rather going on a regular basis. So the gym bag is at my feet presently and I'm dedicating myself to progress.

Those really are the top things. I love curling up in bed amongst the pillows with a good book, the light shining in my corner of the room. Kittens at my feet. Or how when I'm painting the whole world drops a way and I can stop thinking for a bit and just create, in a way that never happens when I'm designing. But of course, there's the challenge of design; the mental gymnastics I love. That's a whole entry in itself.

So I'm figuring it out. Somehow. I'm a libra, I need balance. And right now there's very little of that in my life. There needs to be more and I'm the only one that can do it. So I am. I'm trying, and that’s the first step. I promise not to wax poetic here for a while, I know it's been way boring for everyone not me for weeks.

And in response to the need to stop navel-gazing, I'll answer Em's question from a few weeks back. Below the tattoo I'm getting. For my 32nd birthday. I still need to design the exact details, but here's *where* and *what*.

dragonfly, between my shoulders


S said...

Great list babe... YOU CAN DOOOOO IT!

frazzledmom said...

I can't wait to see it on YOU! When/where will your 32nd b-day take place...I know a few girls who are excellent accomplices should you need any and a tattoo guy name Frank who loves bulldogs! Sounds like we are near the same place - figuring out what we love to do. More power to ya! Let me know how it goes...maybe I will get some ideas. Love the post.

~m said...

Ha. You're right, and I'm sure we'll figure something brilliant out.

My birthday is the end of September. I'm assuming it will be lauded here in the city. As will the tatoo-getting. :) I'll share the exact design when I have it. . .