Tuesday, April 11, 2006

a long rambling entry. but i feel better. :)

I've been working a lot. And that takes up lots of energy. It's been good, I've been on point and have been proud of the work we're doing - I was even promoted, which is cool. But it's exhausting, and seemingly never-ending - and leaves me not much time for here. In addition, I've been distracted as of late with my own thoughts and concerns - and by being overcome by them, and not wanting to talk about them particularly - when I've had the time tp write here I've found other things to do. But this morning I realized I was doing myself a disservice, as part of me having this blog is talking and communicating and knowing I can say things that worry me out loud without being burdensome or whiney. And so, I figured I should share what's on my mind. That, and something a fellow officemate said this morning made me think twice about HOW I was moping. Turned it on end, I guess. So I figured that was worth something too.

See, right before Sam and I got married I went in for a normal check-up and the doctor found something that didn't seem right. So the very same week we got home after the wedding, I went in for a biopsy to make sure everything was okay. Awesome. Amazing timing. Anyway, it turned out it was. Or at least not dire. Apparently there are six levels for what she was analyzing - 1 being it goes away by itself, six being cancer. That's such a weird word to type out. So I was level 4. So good news, no cancer. Bad news I go through all the tests every four months to make sure nothing has progressed into anything scary.

So yeah, four months to forget, two weeks to become totally terrified at random moments something will go horribly wrong. I'm at the start of week two. And I'm at once scared and determined to not fret. These two weeks of waiting for tests results do a number on my already great penchant for over-worrying. It's great practice for keeping things in perspective.

Cause see, it's this big thing to me. It scares me and worries me and seems so, well, it seems so much bigger than I can take on if it takes a wrong turn. But you know what?

It's not. Because I am so.very.lucky.

So, so what. So for two weeks every four months for the next two years I worry and don't know what the future holds; and have to hope for the best. Who doesn't? Everyone has their own personal struggles, their own travesties and drama. No one lives a life untouched by sadness or difficulties. What matters, I guess, is where I’m at right now. The realization of all the blessings and luck and favor I have been granted in my life.

And how, really, this is nothing at all. Not truly. Even if it becomes the unsaid event, the wrongness I worry over – well, I’ll deal with it. With my husband and my chosen-family and we’ll all be fine.

Not everyone has that choice. The choice of good available medical care. The choice of not being alone. The choice of sharing the burden. Of being loved.

Not everyone laughs every day. Not everyone looks at their life and can say, “Yes. This is good.”

But I can. And that makes all the worry and all the anxiety seem meaningless and futile and more than just a little bit selfish. Because it is.

I’m choosing today to be grateful. And happy. And glad, for EVERYTHING. The good stuff and the bad stuff. Because it all makes me want to celebrate my life and my friends and my hopes for what’s next.

I said today at work I thought we should do more for those in need, mor ecommunity service. Someone responded "but *I* am in great need!" I wanted to shake her. We ALL are! I wanted to say. But look! Look at how BLESSED we are. We are rich. Beyond words. And that means we have enough to share. And as humans that is our function, our reasoning, our purpose.

To be able to step back from our own trifles and struggles and share what we are rich in with those who are not so. To share the kindnesses and the gentleness. The love we revel in everyday.

I’m not sure, right this moment, what will come next in my life. In my day. But that is my goal. It’s only through this thought, this action I believe we can truly change our own lives. Solve our own worries. Put them down and find something better to carry. And, truly, how can that not be grand?


Jamie said...

It is always better to know than to not know. Taking charge of your health is the single most important thing you can do. You did the hard stuff already. The initial going in-oh-my-god what could this be stuff. Now, you wait. And when you know, you'll know. Then, you act.

(This is me being brave for you, because it's way harder to be brave for yourself at times like this)

All my prayers, love, and luck to you!!

Leslie said...

Misty, I promise to remember you in my prayers and send happy,warm, positive thoughts your way. Know that I love you and miss you everyday. You are a beautiful soul and I am proud to call you friend.