In kansas with no computer - so only 140. Happy birthday my daring, darling girl. Thank you for the best year of my life

good first birthday party

cutest. Baby.ever.

Thank you, aunt May!!! (You have made a mommy's dream of having a kickass cool-dressed daughter true!)

Looking Forward to Looking Back

So a year ago today I went to my second, and last, acupuncture appointment. Did it work? Maybe. I still credit the castor oil more than anything else. (And the secret deal Maire and I had struck about her being born on the 8th, but I can't tell you the details of that. It's a mother/daughter thing.)

I remember starting to worry. I was a mere few days from the hospital denying me the birthing center (you can only be so many days past due before they start using terms like "induction" and "pytocin") and at this point I had my heart set.

Set.

I was going to that big room decorated like a Laura Ashley 1990's Holiday Inn honeymoon suite and I was going to sit in that jacuzzi and I was going to rock in that rocker and I was going to GIVE BIRTH THERE and then sleep in that giant king size bed with my husband and my new baby.

Dammit.

I was NOT going to Labor and Delivery.

I was not getting an IV or a plastic ID bracelet or say goodbye to Sam when it wasn't visiting hours.

To say I was determined would be a giant understatement.

Sam and I went for a walk a year ago tonight. We walked the neighborhood, down 42nd ... over to the river. We walked out to the pier and watched the river. I remember holding Sam's hand and thinking how this could be the last night for a long long time just the two of us. Really, ever. And I mourned that a little. I felt my love for him surge up in my chest and I felt safe. And I watched the boats and listened to the water and looked over at Jersey and felt lucky.

Blessed.

We walked home, hand in hand.

Just a few blocks from our street, as we strolled ninth avenue discussing what we wanted for dinner, a small wren flew between us.

Right between us, under our linked hands just above the grey concrete sidewalk and then up to the sky.

And my heart lifted. My little baby bird was going to be just fine.

She was taking her time, and I would let her. We were just ramping up for our great adventure together -- before we lifted up and flew toward the sun.

Thanks, Harper!

Maire loves her toy- it's PERFECT for our burgeoning chef/ world traveler...

Looking to Saturday

I didn't know what to expect. I had lived so long trying very hard not ot plan on being a mom that I had no real expectations. I hadn't imagined it - not like I had imagined our somedayhouse, or our wedding, or our yettohappenadventures.

No, being a mom for me had very few expectations.

Same with being pregnant. But somehow, weirdly, pregnancy suited me. I liked it. I felt good. And though those first few months were a bit rocky - I did well. We did well. And, though I had spent my life laughing about how I had never felt particularly opposed to certain drugs in my actual life - why would I leave them behind in labor?! Somewhere in my fifth month I found myself seriously contemplating a natural birth and then, before I knew it - planning one.


And now I find myself advocating for them. Not in the right-wing crazy way - but in the "you can do it!" way. I know they say that memory clouds the experience so you won't swear off having babies - but I look back and can remember so clearly that day. And I won't make some big proclamation about it not hurting. It hurt. But, well, it was different. It wasn't pain like you have when you break a bone, or get a cavity. It was purposeful, mindful and in the midst of it all I coudl think was "this means she'll be here soon." And it was, for lack of a better word, wonderful. I would go so far as to say spiritual. I was changed by it, as I am changed by Samaire's presence every day. I am a different person for having gone through labor that I did. More centered, more sure ... different. I see myself and my body differently now.

But anyway - there I was, suddenly overcome with the idea of wanting to bring Maire into this world in how I defined the best way possible - both of us fully present, completely aware. Joyful. So that's what I did.

It was trying and scary and crazy and amazing and absolutely wonderful. And that's just me. I haven't even gotten to the part about the baby...



I can't believe it was a whole year ago ... it seems both a lifetime and a quick breath.

Big Girl

She had a great day yesterday, as is evident in this pic of her eating dinner telling us all about it between bites. :)

swingin'

We played at the park tonight, then went for a nice long walk.

Once home, we polished off some barbecue chicken, spinach pierogies and bing cherries. Then we curled on the couch together and told stories and laughed and pretty much just hung out the two of us.

My perfect evenings have changed quite a bit, but I wouldn't trade them for anything.

Full Day at the Zoo

We were going to post a picture of us playing at the zoo - but we were having too much fun. So we'll post those later. For now, Sam & I are wandering the habitats pushing our beautiful, sleeping child... What a great day.

this look is TROUBLE

... And looks frightenly familiar. Damn genetics.

big week, lots of fun

We went out for our first just-the-two-of-us stroller afternoon today. (I got her, her bag & the stroller down the 3 fights of stairs all on my own!) We played in Bryant Park & now are just enjoying the breeze at WW Plaza. Good times. I sure do love her.

Happy

Wow. Two weeks late.



We're already halfway to your august birthday! This has been one of our greatest months, making it easy to ignore the computer for a while and play with you.

You now say some words with regularity - "cat" being your favorite and Schiele darts across the living room... "Dad" and "Mama" are clear and, boy, do we still melt at the sound of them. You're walking, too. And do this cute shrug with your hands in the air for "what's going to happen?" or "I don't know!" Oh, the list is long.



But mostly, you laugh. And laugh. And laugh.

We went to visit Grandma and Grandpa Stiers this month and I've never seen you happier than you were with all those animals around. The puppy was the clear favorite, though the horses were a close second. And I'll never forget watching you "get big" to help herd the cattle while making your "mmmmmmmmoo" sound.



Oh, my love. We laugh a lot. You find joy out of everythng and nothing, and it's changed my life.

Stories and more pics to come soon

'Til then, I think it's just safe to say we have ourselves a ranchin' girl . . .

How has she gotten so big?

September 4, 2008

June 13, 2009

Time is moving perilously fast. Though I no longer feel the sadness I used to at that realization. Oh sure, I would desperately love to slow it all down - have more time; have nothing to do but spend each precious second with her. Playing, laughing - even the hard times when she's tired or doesn't feel good.

But something she has given me - the ultimate gift she has given me, is the ability to sit down and just be. To be present. To be with her, and no where else. Not analyzing yesterday, not being anxious about tomorrow... just enjoying her.

It's impossible not to. She changes each second. She's constantly learning, constantly doing something new. I feel like each day, each moment is somehow - inexplicably, unbelievably, miraculously - better than the last.

I don't know what the future holds for us, but I do know it will be filled with pure, unadulterated happiness.

Sleeping Beauty

She's asleep behind me on the couch. We played hard tonight - I gave her a bath by myself for only the second time in her short life, if you can believe it. Then we played the game where we both laugh and whomever gets too tired to keep giggling first loses. . .

And now, she lies prone - limbs stretched to the four winds - behind me. She takes up the whole couch now, no room for me to curl behind. But that's okay. I like sitting here, watching her sleep. Wondering what her dreams are made of; enjoying the small smiles that spread slowly across her face. She laughed just a few minutes ago. I'd give anything to know what was bringing her such dreamland joy.

Oh, my darling daring girl. I promise that to you - I promise you joy. I promise that no mater what comes for us in the years ahead, we will live joyfully. What we gain, what we lose - it shall not matter. There will always be dance parties and laughing games and smiles in sleep.

I promise to build a world around you that is safe and peaceful - and above all, joyous.

Just like the world you've given me.

I miss this face...

...especially much today. I feel like lately we've turned this corner where she's shining through so brightly it's almost blinding. I feel awful missing even seconds of that - it's such a gift.

our lil straphanger

.... developed another mode of transportation today... FIRST STEPS!!

Dad-Dad's day

Yesterday was father's day. A first immediate celebration in our little household. I wanted desperately to make it special. You see, watching Sam over thee last months has, in many ways, shown me exactly what being a good parent is.

He is patient and kind of course. But he is funny and goofy and utterly himself. Often, looking at him and Samaire together - it seems as if this whole parenthood thing was just God giving him a new best friend.





They are compadres, those two and have been from the very start. As ornery and stubborn as each other. As hilarious and ridiculous.


I see so much of him in her. Way past just her eyes and her coloring. She laughs like him. She's got a million looks that all say she's about to do something you probably won't like but she's doing it anyway - just like him. :)


I don't know how to explain to you what an amazingly wonderful father he is. I could tell you about how he stayed up Maire's first night - all night - so I could sleep and because she didn't want to - just talking and singing and dancing with her. Welcoming her to the world, to our lives.


I could tell you I didn't' change a diaper until she was 16 days old.

Or that I've felt this immediate and terrible need to never let her out of my sight since she was born - and how he's not only been patient with me about that, but protected it fiercely.

How he's watched tense games in absolute silence so she would sleep just ten-more-minutes. . . or how he now knows the words to so many Sesame Street songs it's insane. (And he does a killer impression of Ernie's laugh.)

But I think the number one thing is, see, she feels safe with him. When she's scared or tired or in a weird place - her Daddy's arms are where she wants to be. The world coudl be falling apart around her and she would be absolutely content - as long as her Daddy was right there with her.



You can see in her face when she looks for him (first thing every morning) or how her hands reach up to him (every second she has that she has space to walk) how much she loves him.

It glows. It surrounds her. He's her very best friend - and I couldn't be happier or more excited about that.


My Love, you are such a kick ass, awesome, fantastic father. You make me a better mama every day. You've taught me to roll with the punches, to be slightly less neurotic (we can only expect so much :) ) - but most of all you've taught me to trust myself. To trust us and our little family.

I hope you had a wonderful father's day. You deserve the best. Maire and I are blessed the world over to have you. I hope every day you feel how much we love you and how absolutely grateful we are for all you do for us every single day. You deserve a month of Father's days. Years.

I can't wait for all that's to follow.

We love you, Dad-Dad. More than words will ever be able to say.

seriously, Mets

You'd better win.

Central Park Cures All