Thursday, August 06, 2009

Looking Forward to Looking Back

So a year ago today I went to my second, and last, acupuncture appointment. Did it work? Maybe. I still credit the castor oil more than anything else. (And the secret deal Maire and I had struck about her being born on the 8th, but I can't tell you the details of that. It's a mother/daughter thing.)

I remember starting to worry. I was a mere few days from the hospital denying me the birthing center (you can only be so many days past due before they start using terms like "induction" and "pytocin") and at this point I had my heart set.


I was going to that big room decorated like a Laura Ashley 1990's Holiday Inn honeymoon suite and I was going to sit in that jacuzzi and I was going to rock in that rocker and I was going to GIVE BIRTH THERE and then sleep in that giant king size bed with my husband and my new baby.


I was NOT going to Labor and Delivery.

I was not getting an IV or a plastic ID bracelet or say goodbye to Sam when it wasn't visiting hours.

To say I was determined would be a giant understatement.

Sam and I went for a walk a year ago tonight. We walked the neighborhood, down 42nd ... over to the river. We walked out to the pier and watched the river. I remember holding Sam's hand and thinking how this could be the last night for a long long time just the two of us. Really, ever. And I mourned that a little. I felt my love for him surge up in my chest and I felt safe. And I watched the boats and listened to the water and looked over at Jersey and felt lucky.


We walked home, hand in hand.

Just a few blocks from our street, as we strolled ninth avenue discussing what we wanted for dinner, a small wren flew between us.

Right between us, under our linked hands just above the grey concrete sidewalk and then up to the sky.

And my heart lifted. My little baby bird was going to be just fine.

She was taking her time, and I would let her. We were just ramping up for our great adventure together -- before we lifted up and flew toward the sun.

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