Wednesday, August 05, 2009

Looking to Saturday

I didn't know what to expect. I had lived so long trying very hard not ot plan on being a mom that I had no real expectations. I hadn't imagined it - not like I had imagined our somedayhouse, or our wedding, or our yettohappenadventures.

No, being a mom for me had very few expectations.

Same with being pregnant. But somehow, weirdly, pregnancy suited me. I liked it. I felt good. And though those first few months were a bit rocky - I did well. We did well. And, though I had spent my life laughing about how I had never felt particularly opposed to certain drugs in my actual life - why would I leave them behind in labor?! Somewhere in my fifth month I found myself seriously contemplating a natural birth and then, before I knew it - planning one.

And now I find myself advocating for them. Not in the right-wing crazy way - but in the "you can do it!" way. I know they say that memory clouds the experience so you won't swear off having babies - but I look back and can remember so clearly that day. And I won't make some big proclamation about it not hurting. It hurt. But, well, it was different. It wasn't pain like you have when you break a bone, or get a cavity. It was purposeful, mindful and in the midst of it all I coudl think was "this means she'll be here soon." And it was, for lack of a better word, wonderful. I would go so far as to say spiritual. I was changed by it, as I am changed by Samaire's presence every day. I am a different person for having gone through labor that I did. More centered, more sure ... different. I see myself and my body differently now.

But anyway - there I was, suddenly overcome with the idea of wanting to bring Maire into this world in how I defined the best way possible - both of us fully present, completely aware. Joyful. So that's what I did.

It was trying and scary and crazy and amazing and absolutely wonderful. And that's just me. I haven't even gotten to the part about the baby...

I can't believe it was a whole year ago ... it seems both a lifetime and a quick breath.

1 comment:

crazton said...

Love it! Once again you've brought tears to my eyes. Congratulations to you and yours on Samaire's soon to be first full year with you(longer for you I know). There is no perfect way to express the way being a mom makes you feel, but is definately the most powerful, wonderful, amazing feeling ever. I love your beautiful family and hope to see you soon!!