Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Pregnant

written a week or so ago

I want to be that all earth-ey awesome mama.

You know the one, the one at peace with what's going on - who sees this as "just another beautiful and natural event" in life. The one who eagerly reads up on every facet of what's happening to her body and leaves the page amazed, in awe, feeling blessed.

I leave the page feeling slightly nauseous.

I don't feel extra pretty, or glow-ey, or motherly in any way. I feel panicked and fearful and absolutely - oh, what's the word I'm looking for?

TERRIFIED.

Oh, sure. I *am* excited, I am totally in love with the idea of all this... of Sam and I being parents, of a little one who takes after us, all stubborness and hell on wheels and overtly obnoxious . . .

But I don't feel at peace for sure. I feel not at all a part of some miraculous event. I feel quite the opposite. I feel drawn into some crazy play I've never read, some alien adventure. I, quite simply, feel in way over my head.

I'm managing. And please dont' read this as some sort of giant cry for help. It's just a recognition that I am not those moms. I'm me. I'm the only kind of mom I can be, and while that might not be perfect and prepared and beautiful and perfectly at ease . . . well, it's going to have to do. And I'm pretty sure it will.

But in these moments? The days when I spend hour after hour praying to puke, then praying not to . . . it's hard to feel qualified in any way.

Ha. Welcome to the rest of my life, huh?

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

I have no doubt I'd be feeling the same way -- I have NEVER thought I'd be able to handle pregnancy/children/motherhood with calm grace, and I'm sure someday I'll prove it! Yay pregnancy blogs!

-- Amanda

frazzledmom said...

When you hold that precious one in your arms for the very first time and Sam looks at you in total awe - you will understand being a mother. Do not compare yourself to others as that is only self destructive - you will know once you meet this amazing being just what kind of mom you will be - a loving one!

Jamie said...

I think it's totally normal to feel that way...I think the only people who feel nothing but earthy and glow-y already have like, 5 kids.

And then it's not so much of a glow as a reflection of the sweat that taking care of 5 kids produces!

Skye said...

Yeeeeah, about that having lots of kids and being a natural Earth Mother-type?

Um, no.

You know me: I am how I am, and that's not naturally 'earthy', though I have acted the part (on purpose, and with intent) for many a year. I nurture, true, but I do so in my own way - as will you. There are many people who want to subsume themselves in kids who will be clinging to them like little monkeys, and then there are those of us who respect these little souls and our job, we feel, is more to guide them while continuing our own separate lives as best we can. Both are ok, and we should appreciate our sister's talents (...especially when those with 'differing talents' volunteer to take the baby for a blessed 3 hours to yourself. Heaven!!)

I assure you, you are in good company. I have had panic, oh my yes, and I was sick for 3 children morn-to-eve for 9 months. And so much more, so much - I understand, I'm saying. But you also have something inside you that calls to your heart - tells you you love this silly peanut-shaped thing, that it'll be worth it, that it's ok. It's just softer than the IMMEDIATE PANIC/WORRY/GROSS-OUT FACTOR/SICKNESS, so it's hard to hear sometimes.

You are a good woman, a good wife, and will be a good mom. Trust yourself. And be gentle with yourself, too - there's no need to force feelings on yourself that aren't there: what comes, comes.

email me any time.

Anonymous said...

Yes to all that up there. I promise it will be beyond your wildest dreams.

I can't wait for you both to know this.

jen

Karen said...

That's why I liked that Jenny McCarthy book...grossed me out, and scared me, but made me LAUGH and feel better because everyone goes through it.

Very scary and uncomfortable nine months...can't wait to do it again! Must be those hormones that make you forget what it was really like!