I dont know how to put words to this.
This ache I have. The feeling of being totally empty inside. Or rather, is it possible? - making myself empty inside so I can somehow put one foot in front of the other. Somehow get on the train, walk the sidewalks, sit at this desk. Read, examine, contemplate.
I do not know how to breathe without listening for her breath. I do not know how to constantly be aware of her. How to not constantly be ready to reach for her. My stomach is in knots, for the worry of her. I'm sick all the time now. I have a headache that won't go away. Stupidly, leaving her makes me think a part of me should hurt like that. It's almost a relief. Thinking "my head hurts" instead of constantly dwelling on my heart.
Can people tell when they see me? Can they sense the sadness? Do they know I am constantly on the verge of tears? It doesn't matter, I guess, either way. But I want them to know. I am greater than what you see right now. There's a little girl who loves me! And, even, please don't waste my time. I've give up my most precious moments to be here. In this place. Away.
I cannot think. I imagine this is torture somewhere, in some long ago foreign place. Where they force you to leave your heart behind. I know people do this every day. I have friends that manage. But for some reason I cannot manage. I am not strong enough. Not brave enough.
I have to just decide this is what I'm doing. Commit to it, somehow. But so far that hasn't been possible. So far I've just resigned. Resigned to being incomplete.
Perhaps it does get better.
All I know, though, this instant is I won't be better until I can see her. See her happy and safe. Hold her this afternoon.
6 years ago