These last few weeks have ben brutal for me. I know not every one feels as crazy as I do about all this, and I know some people go back to work full-time right away.
But somehow I've been lucky enough to get to wait five months, and and I find myself in the week and just heart broken. I feel like my heart may come out of my chest when I think of that moment I turn around and walk out the door with her still inside. I have nightmares about what could happen when I'm not there. I can't sleep for them. Then I finally do fall asleep and she makes some adorable coo and I end up staying awake another hour just watching her. Relishing her. Wishing for more time.
But the thing is, there isn't any more time. These months are flying by and will only continue to. Whether I'm home or at work, there will never be enough. Do I wish (more than anything I have ever wished for in my life) that I could stay home? Yes.
Yes. Yes. A thousand times yes.
But I can't. I can't because I want her to have a home someday. One where we can paint the walls and she has a swing in the backyard. I want her to go to college anywhere she chooses. For theater, for art. To be a chef, a doctor, a classical pianist. Anything. I want to take her to China for her 8th birthday. Ireland for Solstice. Paris in the Spring. I want to show her the world.
And, well, that kind of stuff has a price. And I won't pretend I haven't said out loud none of it matters. Not if I could wake up every morning to her smile and spend every minute of my day playing with her, singing to her, holding her.
But, as much as it hurts me to say, that's not what's best. For her or me. What's best for now is me going to work so I can give her the world. And her going to meet other babies. Having adventures of her own.
And I can live with that - I think. (We'll soon find out.)
But I am only willing to try to live with that 20 hours a week.
Because I love her too much. I need her as much as she needs me right now. And I'm okay with saying that out loud. It's true. And I'm sure it will change and grow - our relationship will over these next years; in this next lifetime ahead of us.
But right now, I just need her to know I love her more than anything else in this world. I need her so desperately to know that. Because I know she loves me. And I'm the luckiest girl in the world for it.
I just want to do good by her.
She so deserves nothing less.