Monday, January 05, 2009

How Do I leave My Heart Behind?

These last few weeks have ben brutal for me. I know not every one feels as crazy as I do about all this, and I know some people go back to work full-time right away.

But somehow I've been lucky enough to get to wait five months, and and I find myself in the week and just heart broken. I feel like my heart may come out of my chest when I think of that moment I turn around and walk out the door with her still inside. I have nightmares about what could happen when I'm not there. I can't sleep for them. Then I finally do fall asleep and she makes some adorable coo and I end up staying awake another hour just watching her. Relishing her. Wishing for more time.

But the thing is, there isn't any more time. These months are flying by and will only continue to. Whether I'm home or at work, there will never be enough. Do I wish (more than anything I have ever wished for in my life) that I could stay home? Yes.

Yes. Yes. A thousand times yes.

But I can't. I can't because I want her to have a home someday. One where we can paint the walls and she has a swing in the backyard. I want her to go to college anywhere she chooses. For theater, for art. To be a chef, a doctor, a classical pianist. Anything. I want to take her to China for her 8th birthday. Ireland for Solstice. Paris in the Spring. I want to show her the world.

And, well, that kind of stuff has a price. And I won't pretend I haven't said out loud none of it matters. Not if I could wake up every morning to her smile and spend every minute of my day playing with her, singing to her, holding her.

But, as much as it hurts me to say, that's not what's best. For her or me. What's best for now is me going to work so I can give her the world. And her going to meet other babies. Having adventures of her own.

And I can live with that - I think. (We'll soon find out.)

But I am only willing to try to live with that 20 hours a week.

Because I love her too much. I need her as much as she needs me right now. And I'm okay with saying that out loud. It's true. And I'm sure it will change and grow - our relationship will over these next years; in this next lifetime ahead of us.

But right now, I just need her to know I love her more than anything else in this world. I need her so desperately to know that. Because I know she loves me. And I'm the luckiest girl in the world for it.

I just want to do good by her.

She so deserves nothing less.


Skye said...

You do GREAT by your little one, and she is a strong and wonderful girl. She will thrive in the world just as you two do.

We do our best and we trust. That's all anyone, even a 24/7 mom, can do.

Meg Kroening said...

Hi Misty! Its Meg (Miles' mom, Scott's wife, etc. from Kansas). Sam sent the link to your blog when you had Samaire and I thought it was getting close to you having to go back to work and wanted to see how you were doing. Looks like about the same that I was. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in the way you are feeling. You pretty much wrote exactly how I felt having to leave Miles and while I can tell you it does not get easier, it does get better. It is amazing to watch them develop friendships and independence. My heart goes out to you and wish you the best.


Saint's Girl said...

That was a beautiful post. Samaire's incredibly lucky!

Brandi said...

I don't have to go back to work full time until October (thank you, Germany), and when I look at Harper, I think I'd just rather stay home. But that's not an option for us. And I really feel kind of sick when I think about it. I like to get my worrying started on early... But I want to be able to buy a house sometime in the next couple of years and get out of the city with her (this feeling was amplified the other day when I had her in the stroller and I had to cross the street and realized that she was in the exaust-pipe crossfire). I want her to be able to study in the States if she wants. And so on and so on. So, we do what we have to do.

I'm sure you'll both do fine, but I so understand where you're coming from. I can't even leave my dog with good friends without calling every five minutes...