Monday, April 30, 2007

A blog is nothing but Self-Indulgent

I've been letting a lot of other people define me lately. With their assumptions, with their actions - with what they're not saying. I've let my own insecurities make me feel less; less deserving, less talented . . . worth less.

And today I reached my limit.

It felt good. It reminded me of who I want to be, who I am. What I'm capable of. What I deserve.

I put "Take Me or Leave Me" on my headphones on repeat and ran. And ran. And ran. I put the speed much higher than normal and I went as fast as I could. My lungs burned and my side ached. My knee and ankles, my hips felt broken - but I kept going. Because I finally felt in control. I finally dropped all the things I thought people wanted, what I thought was expected of me, and I just went back to me. Feet pounding on the treadmill, breath burning.

I threw away all the baggage that had blinded me to what I want and what I'm willing to accept. I focused on what was important.

And when I got off, shakey and sore, I was ready to face the world again.

On my own terms.

And so . . .

Dear Sir and/or Madams,

I'm afraid in our dealings you have forgotten some very important facts. I have decided to write it all down, lest you miss or forget them again. And to remind myself. It's obvious we both have some recollection issues.

I am a talented and smart designer. Try finding that - it's hard. I have 9 years experience in an industry that is a mere 15 years old. And that's giving it a couple years' credit.

I am a damn good presenter. I am well-spoken and well-read. I will as easily discuss the latest Wired with you as Neruda or Nietzsche.

I am, while not model beautiful, striking when I want to be. And will as easily strike if I feel something important to me threatened.

I can make sure you remember me for a long time to come, and will do so on my own terms.

I am an artist. My painting is rusty, yet still very much not an amatuer's doing. My writing's not perfect, but I can hit the right tone and combination of words from time to time and pull a compelling story out of the air around me.

I can and will affect you. I am no small thing. I am no meager asset, nor a person to be tossed aside or undermined.

I love with ferocity. I do so unflinchingly and unwaveringly.

I try to live in the same manner.

I am starting again.

Right.

Now.

I am taking from this world what I deserve. I suggest you stand aside. I'm in no mood to apologize, and nor shall I.

Not anymore.

4 comments:

SS said...

Bravo! Sounds like you should also be listening to that Ice Cube song "Wrong something to f*ck with"...

AJ said...

Hi Sunshine, WOW, I do not know to whom that was directed, but, "Go Girl!" You are a gifted woman. You have a magical gift with words and emotions which both entertains and intrigues your readers. Obviously your art is more than amateur as you make a fine living with your endeavors. Besides I have some of your work and it is astonishing.
You are indeed stunning when you choose to be and you can bum out pretty well when you are in the mood.
You are fascinating, creative, truly gifted and you bear a great depth of sensitivity, which can be a two-edged sword.
Those who mock you are less than you. They are intimidated and envious.
You don't have to run to prove control in your life, just look in the mirror and smile because you know exactly who you are!

Been there and still smiling!
AJ

Jamie said...

Well put. Everybody needs a wake-up call every now and then. Go get 'em!

Leslie said...

I love you and you are my hero :) By the way something amazingly disgusting and awesome came in the mail today!