When we talk about the future, it's always gut-wrenching for me a bit. I'm all caddywhompus, I don't know what I want.
I want a house with a yard and a tire swing. I want a nursery with a crib that faces a ceiling of sky blue, with clouds I painted; just so. I want a puppy and sidewalks and grass and a garden.
I want Central Park minutes away. I want trains and people and life and the world at my doorstep. I want the eastern seaboard a train ride away. Vermont maple syrup, Maine Lobster, Massachusetts liberals. I want Europe to be a foreseeable weekend destination.
I want my life now, and the life I dreamed of as a kid. I want them both.
I can only have one at a time.
I love my life here, our life here. More than I can ever say. Some of our friends, they look at me sometimes with a kind of pity in their eyes, like I haven’t learned yet. Like I'll change my mind, coming running 'home' eventually. Leave this ridiculous city life behind. The expense, the dirt, the crime.
It's only because they don't live here, haven't seen our home, don't know how wonderful, how exciting, how right our life is here.
But it's not for forever. I remind myself of that a lot. Someday I will miss this place, I will be homesick for it. I will long for smelly sidewalks, the ramble, the zoo, the people, the food. I will sit, watching movies filmed here - straining to see my home. Our first home.
So we talk, we plan, we paint a future of what we want. I cry at the thought of leaving, I sob at the thought of never going.
But through it all, when he looks at me and says "someday, when it's the three of us it'll be my job to make sure you two are happy and safe." I know. I know everything will be alright. I know no matter where we will be - will be home.
I know we are a family. A home. A safe haven.
I know there is no other man I could have married, not in the world. And that I will spend lifetime after lifetime, meeting him, falling in love with him, marrying him, over and over and over again.
And I can't imagine anything more wonderful.
6 years ago