Feeling Much Better

She's officially back to her ornery self.

:) I love it.

Fevered baby

Guilty mama for loving all this cuddle time.

It was a good weekend. Spent with good friends.

And now, she sleeps. So peaceful, so beautiful. I kept looking at her this weekend and thinking how *fun* she is now. She's onery and joyful and stubborn and kind and I'm so proud of her and the little girl she's growing into being. But this morning, wonderfully, she's my baby again. Curling into my arms and sighing to sleep. "These are the days of miracle and wonder."

We went to the aquariumm today!

It was especially fun because of Maire's awesome aunties!

First haircut!

Mommy gave me bangs!

PIGGGG!

Obnoxious

She is, unerringly, absolutely ridiculous.

13 months

Little, crazy girl,

You are officially on your way to toddlerhood, if not already arrived. This was a crazy month for us - full of family and parties and travel (three out of the last five weekends away from home!)... and through it all you laughed and talked and toddled like nobody's business.

You're pretty much running now. And you've craved out a little room of sorts for yourself now, by your crib on the other side of our bed. You like to go there and move stuff from place to place (your daddy calls you The Relocator and it's apt - that and cleaning things seems to be some of your favorite activity). You sit on the floor holding the yoga Pez dispenser and the flashlight, singing to yourself and having a grand time.

That's been the most amazing thing to see this month - you are pretending now. Hugging your Elmos (all three of them - almost always at once), talking to your toys, moving them about in a little play only you really understand. You have all kinds of games you play - sometimes with me - sometimes alone. You are *really* good at making your own fun and that makes me so proud.

You're also learning to carve out your own space. No matter where we are - but especially in this, our too small apartment. This 350 or less square feet of ours definitely lacks in room to roam, but your finding places you can call yours. The other side of the bed, for example - or the little step you made out of Daddy's camping equipment in front of the window. You cleared a little space and now have your very own perch to look out at the garden. You seem endlessly fascinated there. You and I have that very much in common: we both can spend hours watching people go by.

Watching the cat go by, however, is not one of your favorite things. Why must she always be so fast? You chase her back and forth, back and forth ... moving your little fingers trying to call her like Daddy and I do, yelling "CAT!!" It makes me smile. You LOVE her now. You've mastered "gentle pets" though every once in a while the hugs get a bit too strenuous (Schiele doesn't seem to mind).

Our cat's not the only animal you're loving on here in our tiny abode. Daddy got you five fish! You stand trying to touch them through the glass, squealing with delight when they follow your fingers.

You have so much love, Maire. My heart just bursts. You are so kind. Not just to the cat and fish - but to your friends at school, too. You try to comfort them when they cry - giving pats and holding hands... I know this is not something we can really teach you, that it's something deep inside you. An empathy, a kindness. It shines like the sun when you smile.

One of the old men in our neighborhood stopped me the other day. You were playing shy, burying your head in my shoulder. "She's so beautiful," he said. "She's inside beautiful. Thank you for sharing her with us. She's our princess. Our Hell's Kitchen Princess. Our Beauty. It means a lot to all of us that she's here."

And I looked down at you, smiling shyly at him. And over to him, tears welling in his eyes as he thanked me for sharing that smile with our neighborhood and I thought - you are a princess. Not some fairy tale, waiting on a prince girl - but a grace, a loveliness. There's a reason people smile when they see you. A reason our neighborhood crowds around and loves you.

You are joy. You are endless, boundless joy.

You aren't just changing my life, small one. Every day, every single day you are doing good.

And I couldn't be prouder.

On the road again

Maire's taking first shift.

Honeoye Falls

Seriously good times

Right before her first road trip

She did awesome. We got to Rochester at about midnight and we all slept wonderfully in our king-sized bed. Now its big naps before the weddding!

our little girl

Looks not so much the baby anymore.... And while part of me will always miss my squirmy worm, every day getting know this precious daring girl is such a gift.

P.S. Thanks Papa and Grandma Bell for the dress AND the beloved baby elmo!

her first big girl nap

In the crib..... She always laid with me, or slept on our bed before. But today she's in her very own crib! Yay! Baby steps for mama & baby...

peace

This is my peace. My meditation. My time away from time.

She is my calm.

city girl part duex

city girl

It's getting harder and harder to convince her to sit on the trains... So now we're just teaching her to HOLD ON. :)

This year.

I wonder, shall my years always be measured out from August to August? Shall I now run my life on years from the eighth month on? I shall not be surprised. It seems so much has changed in these last 12 months, it seems almost normal to be in such a permanent state of flux.

This year. It has seemed endless and momentous all at once. It was truly, just yesterday I walked the sidewalks of our neighborhood – anxiously awaiting her arrival. And yet, years ago –lifetimes – I existed without her… without the constant thought of her, the need in my heart for her health and happiness, the empty space in my chest, in my arms, when she is not physically close by.

How did I wander this earth without her? How did I exist? Live? How did I carry that empty space, so ignorant of it; so oblivious to its utter size and weight? Yet now, I struggle at times beneath it. This past week, on an airplane taking me thousands of miles from her I ached like I never have before. Panic sat in my chest, sadness and tears chased every blink.

She is my very joy. How did I go so long without her?

I’m finding balance, though. Finding myself. It’s been a hard road, that. My love for her was at once all consuming. I knew no else. No one else. I gladly gave in to every instinct, every whispered voice in my heart and took care of her. Nurtured her. Loved her.

And it came easy. It came easy to forget myself, to set aside Sam (a shaming and horrible confession there) and become a mother. To stop being a wife and a friend and an artist and a designer and, well, me for a while.

To be for her.

I’m finding my way back now – finding the me I was before, yet now someone different. Finding the wife Sam wants and needs me to be. Finding the friend I know I need and can be. And, finding the artist. The person I want Maire to see when she looks up at me. Looks up to me.

That has been the hardest.

Finding the balance, that path. That way of being.

No one tells you that. Oh, everyone has their warnings – all of which I found to fall flat once I was in the midst of the experience.

First it was the natural childbirth – I couldn’t do it, it would hurt – why would I deny modern medicine?! So and So’s wife’s sister said she was going to do it, but lo! She got the epidural… It seemed everyone who asked what I was planning on doing had some piece of warning or advice. As if I hadn’t thoroughly thought it out. As if I hadn’t done my research. As if it was a rapt decision. But in the end, she and I did it. In the end, it was no where near as bad as people say.

As anyone says, or as tv and movies make it look. It was an unbelievable, undeniable, AMAZING experience – and I hope I’m blessed to be able to do it again. I would in a second. I would have said the same that night as we rested in the bed, eating cheeseburgers and drinking milkshakes.

Again, again, again.

In a heartbeat.

And of course, there’s the breastfeeding. Before I had Maire it was the one thing that scared me. EVERYone had nothing but horror stories. Oh! How it hurt! And it was inconvenient and it was hard and it was a mess and have we mentioned – it hurts? Please, all my friends who have yet to have children know this: it does not hurt if it’s done right. GET HELP. Right away. That baby knows what to do. YOU know what to do. And while it is a bit crazy at first and it can seem overwhelming, it is possible and wonderful and just as amazing as everything else.

I have relished my time with Maire nursing her. I have fed her in museums, on trains, in planes, walking down the street, hiking across a valley, strolling through a stadium… I have not once – not once – been nothing but joyous about it. It has allowed me to give her something no one else in this world can, and when it slows to a stop (as it already has begin to) I know I will find myself more than a little heartbroken.

My experience being a mom, to say the least has come easily and readily and has been the best thing I have ever done in my life. It is the finding my way as a mom in this new world that has been hard. Building a new life, defining myself in this new way. But I have no doubt I will do it.

If anything, this has shown me that when I am open to the possibilities, that when I trust myself and what I know in my heart – only good things can happen.

Becoming a mother has been like coming home. In every way. I have never been more happy, never felt more comfortable. More complete.

I have never done anything like this before.

I have never done anything that has felt so right and so wonderful.

(All pics taken by my friend Aron, who rocks by the way. I can't wait to share them all with you as soon as I have them. And if you need some fam photos taken, he just might be your guy.)

made it to chicago

Now just counting minutes til I see my loves...

IM I sent Sam just now

"so yesterday some weird indian lady in a yellow sari and with a red stone nose ring followed me around (or coincidentaly was where i was all afternoon) and it freaked me out and i had all these horrible thoughts about her trying to take maire

and how i would possibly kill her if she tried

and i thought up how hard it would be to in fact kill her what with maire asleep on my chest but that I was pretty sure i could do it

and i was going to call you and warn you about it this morning

so you could see if she was hanging out around the apt or daycare

but that seemed paranoid and i figured you could for sure kill her so i didn't call"

welcome to my life, ya'll.