Well, my life is a bit of a mess right now - I'm in the (I'll admit blessed) position of making quite a few big decisions and suddenly, now - this minute - the weight of making them for myself, Sam and Spud is weighing exponentially heavy on my heart. It's a weight I've been carrying for quite some time now and seems to only be getting heavier the more time that passes. I have no doubt as soon as I stomp my foot and demand my party, I will feel better - but for the moment I feel small and overwhelmed and like my dad just told me I may never have a golden goose.
And, dammit. I want that goose.
So in the midst of this I've had an incessant need to fix up our apartment RIGHT. NOW. I want it clean and orderly and organized and I want everything little thing to have its place. I'm getting obsessive about this in ways I didn't even know were possible - and let me tell you, I am one obsessive/compulsive little girl.
Sam has been overwhelmingly patient through all this, though I think his recent short trips AWAY from the apartment minus me have been his own secret blessing.
So, for now, I'm living in an apartment with old computers spread about, dust bunnies in corners that haven't seen the light of day for four years and small just STUFF looking helpessly lost on counters, in chairs, one the floor in piles. And it's driving me INSANE.
I know that my incessant need to organize and make clean our apartment now is directly tied to the fact that the rest of my life seems hopelessly scattered, undecided and unknown. I'm desperate for some calm, some peace, some certainty - and, well, a nice apartment will have to fill the gap for now.
I'm counting on the rest to follow. ‘Til then, I'm counting down the days until our new furniture arrives and if you need me - I'll be the one exclaiming "why?! why do we have this?!" repeatedly from a cloud dust and miscellaneous mish-mash.
But man will it be nice soon.
7 years ago