Looking Forward

We sat around the table and drank a bottle of wine
And it poured around us like a moat till no one could get us, and I was fine
And I said, "Haven't I paid my dues by now, haven't I paid my dues by now
Haven't I paid my dues by now, don't I get the right to choose?
And I choose you to take up all of my time
I choose you because you're funny and kind
I want easy people from now on

Music does strange things. It transcends time and place and often - can bring to you a person who maybe wasn't even around when you discovered to the sounds, but somehow so embody the feel of what you're listening to you can no longer separate the two.

I'm going home in a couple weeks, back to Kansas. Going back there has become harder and harder for me as time has gone by - the list of people I've somehow neglected for years just gets longer and longer. The distance almost gets worse when I am closer. There seems to be no end to the events and requirements and obligations and then, in the two seconds between it all, there's those few who just stand, waiting patiently.

I'm staying with one of those people when I get back. I've held off all kinds of guilt and asking and expectations so she and I can sit, and - well, catch up. You see it's been years. Decades, really. Lifetimes, actually.

My house is full of empty rooms and broken frames and other people's stuff
In my house we see by Christmas lights and your TV, and that seems to be enough
To see what we want to see
You let me be who I want to be
And we'll be easy from now on, from now on

And I find myself looking forward to those couple short nights more than I can put into words. I wish there words to describe how I feel about her. About how somehow when we're together it's so easy for me to see her at 16, to see myself at 17. To see who we were then.

To remember how unrelentingly she supported me through so many truly awful times. I can't count how many tears she witnessed me shedding. How many times, when I was out of hope, she handed me more than I could carry.

Why can't I be easy, why can't I be easy like you?

I have no excuse for the time that passed. For the distance I let grow between us. The reasons were stupid and selfish and most horribly, just neglectful. But we're finding our way back, I think . . . and I feel blessed for that. I feel blessed for having this second chance. Because, honestly? She's more than just my friend. She's my family. And I don’t say that lightly. In a way, it was those years away that crystallized that for me. The fact that she was always somehow in my heart, no matter what, or what wasn't, going on between us. She never left my thoughts.

For you I would give the songs I write, the words I pray, the morning light
That pumps into this room today, if you would only rise, if you would only say
"I want you to take up all of my time
I want you because you're funny and kind
And we'll be easy from now on, from now on"

On my last trip when I finally got to sit with her for a while and just talk. Well. It was like coming home. I know that sounds overly dramatic, but it was. A kind of home I'm starting to value more then any of the other fanciful and sentimental definitions of the word used most.

So, despite the craziness in my life right now and all the unknowns – I’m reveling in the thought of going to spend a couple days with one of the people I love most. And listening to this song makes me all the more excited to go.


"Easy People," The Nields