6 years ago
Monday, October 01, 2007
It feels like a good omen, three being my favorite number. But then, lately I've felt like a lot of things are good omens. Good things to come. Good things on the horizon. Good on its way.
And, well, for the first time in my life I'm looking forward to these things, as ethereal as they are, instead of waiting for the celiing to cave in before they get here. It's been my habit - something I saw as caution, preparedness, being at the ready: but it's really none of that.
It's just simply fear.
And while I've taken some chances in my life, and big ones at that - I've never felt entirely comfortable with good things. I have always felt I couldn't possibly deserve them, or that someone else needed them more. Earned them more. Could do more with them. No matter what the "them" is.
But recently I've slowly been changing things. Or, rather, taking control of them. Figuring out what I want and finding ways to get there. Oh, it's not all peaches and cream. I don't get everything I want - nor should I. But I am learning to accept things - the good things without feeling bad about them. WIthout negating them or myself. The bad things, too, seeign their purpose and lettign them go. Not hanging on, not dwelling. Not lettign them keep me from enjoying what's funa nd right about my life.
And it's probably the most important thing I've learned this year, my thirty-second: that good things happen when you work for them (and sometimes when you don't); and it's okay. It's okay to smile and enjoy them. To relish in them.
In figuring this out, I've also come to revisit some of the good things in my life I lost a bit, and weed out the bad. That's where I'm at now. Tending to the happiness, I guess. Reaching out and asking forgiveness from the good things I maybe didn't cherish properly, and saying goodbye to some of the bad stuff that only encouraged negative behaviour.
It's hard, and it's a long on-going process, but it will work out in the end. Meanwhile, I plan to spend this coming year laughing a lot and trusting myself more.
And being thankful. Every. Single. Day. That I have such an abundant amount of happiness to tend to.