So my friend Matt encouraged me to write here about what was bothering me of late (this was weeks? a month? ago, but I wanted to answer honestly and, well, that took some time and thought) and so I am. Now. So long after relevance it probably is no longer a concern or worth sharing. But, well. Here I am.
And I begin with the place I am now, have been in the past, and more likely will be in the future - until I screw my courage and figure out myself.
(I'm greatly looking forward to that day - the "screwing courage", though, seems to hold me up a bit)
See, I'm not sure what I want from my life. How to navigate it, how best even to live it. This past year I've made a concentrated effort to do better, feel better and I feel like in some areas I'm making true progress. I'm healthier - that's for sure. I don’t miss ice cream QUITE as much as I used to and exercise has gotten to be something I actually miss when I don’t do it.
I'm reading good books more regularly and lately I've been doing a lot of studying of art. Reading about it historically, looking at it currently and am slowly finding myself inspired to step timidly back in that great, cold lake.
I'm even doing better at trying things that scare me. (And believe you me when I say that some of those things are pretty silly and weird and I might be the only one that finds them a challenge - but look, that fancy treadmill at the gym? The one that all the gazelle-like runners use? The one that has all the crazy settings and tells you how far and fast and changes such things on display with a mere psychic push?! Yeah, I ran on it. So what. See? These are the things. Ha. And why I'll continue to keep them all pretty much to myself.)
So yeah, yay and good. Progress and wonder. Woo-hoo.
But here's the thing. There's this monster in the room I get really good at ignoring. I step over him, I dust around him, I even manage to not hear when he yells at me. I am very zen about it all. Except for the part where he consumes an average of 50 hours of my week. Over and over and over again. And I just don’t know what to do with him.
Make him my friend? Kick him out?
Yeah, my job,. My career at this point, if you will. If you want to get fancy, which if course I do as I love the fanciness. Oh, yes.
And it's not like it sucks. Or I suck. Or any of that. It's just, well, something's missing. Has been from the start. And lately I think I figured out what it is - what it's been this whole time.
I never really chose what I do. I fell into it. I lucked out. I took a job that was "just for now" and developed a really killer skill set. And then I got good at it.
And every time I looked around it was more challenging and exciting and, well, cool. I get to do fun things and work on awesome stuff. . . and the people? Jesus Christ, the people ROCK. I've fallen in to some of the best teams ever. Which - you know - makes all the difference.
And I guess what I'm saying is I got lucky. I found something I could make good money at and truly enjoy. And you'd think that would be enough, right? But part of me still has hold of that dream born of beautiful books, galleries and the smell of turpenoid.
Part of me is still that young girl, arm tucked around her paintbox, dreaming of how she's going to change the world with her stories.
Or, more accurately now, the young woman who looked around her at the house and new convertible and fun, fanciful carefree life and said "This. Is. Not. Enough." And sold her belongings, put the rest in storage and moved alone to her Big Dream City.
I don’t know what to do with her. How to handle her. We're like a couple, broken up long ago and yet still friends. Easy to talk about all the unimportant things, still a bit wary of the big topics.
So, lately, we've just been sitting together. And, right now, I think that's what I need. To sit with her, get to know her again. Acquaint her with who I am. See how best we can get along. I know we can, that we will. But it's taking some navigating.
Some thought. Some evaluation of my life that's not always comfortable.
But in the end, will be worth it.
I believe that. I do. I have to.
7 years ago