Pacific Street

There are oceans in our neighborhood.

I have that spark that drives me far away. Far away from my familiar. My family. My friends. I pulled at the reigns of my home town, of every thing I knew. I gasped for air as if the very sky could choke me if I but stood still.

I dreamt bigger than people thought was safe. I refused council and strode forward on my own. I burnt bridges along the way; I left the path. I got lost.

I never quite made it back to where I started, but that was always okay.

I swear I've never been this far before.

I looked to the night sky and wandered. When I felt the grasp of someone's hopes too hard on my heart, I packed up and moved on. I couldn't share my dreams, my path. I would not settle for roots when I knew I could have wings.

I feel restless and I can't sleep.

I would not dream of flying when I could fly.

It wasn't alwasy easy and I was rarely sure. There were many lonely nights of the stereo turned too loudly so my neighbors wouldn't hear me cry. Many early mornings wandering the streets of a city that often felt not quite right, looking for where I must have put my wings.

Where they must be, in this city of millions.

Washed up in some corner bar.

I reveled in being one of thousands. I felt, all the same, out of step.

And then one day, as I turned a corner I had a hundred times before, it was home. Suddenly in the rain and the mist. In the dirty crowd among the buses, I was home.

Stay where we are . . .

And suddenly the sky felt far away, wide and open. The sidewalks stretched before me with every adventure I had ever dared dream.

And my heart soared on wings it had always possesed. Past the buildings, past my fears. Past my loneliness.

Not because you found my wings, not even becasue you gave them to me. But simply because you smiled.

I don't know you except for the way a traveler knows a traveler.

Looking Forward

We sat around the table and drank a bottle of wine
And it poured around us like a moat till no one could get us, and I was fine
And I said, "Haven't I paid my dues by now, haven't I paid my dues by now
Haven't I paid my dues by now, don't I get the right to choose?
And I choose you to take up all of my time
I choose you because you're funny and kind
I want easy people from now on

Music does strange things. It transcends time and place and often - can bring to you a person who maybe wasn't even around when you discovered to the sounds, but somehow so embody the feel of what you're listening to you can no longer separate the two.

I'm going home in a couple weeks, back to Kansas. Going back there has become harder and harder for me as time has gone by - the list of people I've somehow neglected for years just gets longer and longer. The distance almost gets worse when I am closer. There seems to be no end to the events and requirements and obligations and then, in the two seconds between it all, there's those few who just stand, waiting patiently.

I'm staying with one of those people when I get back. I've held off all kinds of guilt and asking and expectations so she and I can sit, and - well, catch up. You see it's been years. Decades, really. Lifetimes, actually.

My house is full of empty rooms and broken frames and other people's stuff
In my house we see by Christmas lights and your TV, and that seems to be enough
To see what we want to see
You let me be who I want to be
And we'll be easy from now on, from now on

And I find myself looking forward to those couple short nights more than I can put into words. I wish there words to describe how I feel about her. About how somehow when we're together it's so easy for me to see her at 16, to see myself at 17. To see who we were then.

To remember how unrelentingly she supported me through so many truly awful times. I can't count how many tears she witnessed me shedding. How many times, when I was out of hope, she handed me more than I could carry.

Why can't I be easy, why can't I be easy like you?

I have no excuse for the time that passed. For the distance I let grow between us. The reasons were stupid and selfish and most horribly, just neglectful. But we're finding our way back, I think . . . and I feel blessed for that. I feel blessed for having this second chance. Because, honestly? She's more than just my friend. She's my family. And I don’t say that lightly. In a way, it was those years away that crystallized that for me. The fact that she was always somehow in my heart, no matter what, or what wasn't, going on between us. She never left my thoughts.

For you I would give the songs I write, the words I pray, the morning light
That pumps into this room today, if you would only rise, if you would only say
"I want you to take up all of my time
I want you because you're funny and kind
And we'll be easy from now on, from now on"

On my last trip when I finally got to sit with her for a while and just talk. Well. It was like coming home. I know that sounds overly dramatic, but it was. A kind of home I'm starting to value more then any of the other fanciful and sentimental definitions of the word used most.

So, despite the craziness in my life right now and all the unknowns – I’m reveling in the thought of going to spend a couple days with one of the people I love most. And listening to this song makes me all the more excited to go.


"Easy People," The Nields

There has never been anything false about HOPE.

Ya'll this all means so much to me, this video actually brought me to tears. Vote, please. We are blessed to take part in our government - to BE a part of our governement. To have voices that can be heard. Speak out today.

Caddywhompus Causes Crazy

Well, my life is a bit of a mess right now - I'm in the (I'll admit blessed) position of making quite a few big decisions and suddenly, now - this minute - the weight of making them for myself, Sam and Spud is weighing exponentially heavy on my heart. It's a weight I've been carrying for quite some time now and seems to only be getting heavier the more time that passes. I have no doubt as soon as I stomp my foot and demand my party, I will feel better - but for the moment I feel small and overwhelmed and like my dad just told me I may never have a golden goose.

And, dammit. I want that goose.

So in the midst of this I've had an incessant need to fix up our apartment RIGHT. NOW. I want it clean and orderly and organized and I want everything little thing to have its place. I'm getting obsessive about this in ways I didn't even know were possible - and let me tell you, I am one obsessive/compulsive little girl.

Sam has been overwhelmingly patient through all this, though I think his recent short trips AWAY from the apartment minus me have been his own secret blessing.

So, for now, I'm living in an apartment with old computers spread about, dust bunnies in corners that haven't seen the light of day for four years and small just STUFF looking helpessly lost on counters, in chairs, one the floor in piles. And it's driving me INSANE.

I know that my incessant need to organize and make clean our apartment now is directly tied to the fact that the rest of my life seems hopelessly scattered, undecided and unknown. I'm desperate for some calm, some peace, some certainty - and, well, a nice apartment will have to fill the gap for now.

I'm counting on the rest to follow. ‘Til then, I'm counting down the days until our new furniture arrives and if you need me - I'll be the one exclaiming "why?! why do we have this?!" repeatedly from a cloud dust and miscellaneous mish-mash.

But man will it be nice soon.

I hope.

Dreaming

I'm dreaming of work again.

And not of beautfiful designer-ly things, no. I'm not having superior dreams wherein I solve the day's tussle sound in dreamland, waking up aching to get to a computer, to change colors, arrange layout, sketch in the perfect image . . .

No, these are anxiety dreams. Dreams of disappointment and betrayal. Dreams of sadness and loss.

I hate those dreams. EVen more now as I ought to be able to revel in dreams of small tiny hands in mine, and lullabyes and soft, beautiful worthwhile things and beings.

Not this. Not something so trivial, so meaningless.

I want to light the darkness.

I'm just not sure how.

Lesson One:
Never tell a pregnant woman she's "not as sick as she thinks she is."

Better yet, ALWAYS keep that comment to yourself. Thanks!

The Gods Must Know

So here I am, day two of the most awesome flu I've ever had.

As I was talking to Les yesterday about it, I had a thought that made perfect sense. The gods must know that this baby's daddy will inevitably drag it up mountains, down canyons and across rivers as soon as I let him (sooner, more than likely) - so this little one better start building endurance NOW.

So yes, sure - a few weeks of bronchitis, a week or so of flu - all while having really awesome morning sickness. . . it all suddenly makes perfect sense. This baby is in training. Unfortunately, it's taking me with it.

(And I'm pretty sure it's getting the WAY better end of the deal . . .)

Pregnant

written a week or so ago

I want to be that all earth-ey awesome mama.

You know the one, the one at peace with what's going on - who sees this as "just another beautiful and natural event" in life. The one who eagerly reads up on every facet of what's happening to her body and leaves the page amazed, in awe, feeling blessed.

I leave the page feeling slightly nauseous.

I don't feel extra pretty, or glow-ey, or motherly in any way. I feel panicked and fearful and absolutely - oh, what's the word I'm looking for?

TERRIFIED.

Oh, sure. I *am* excited, I am totally in love with the idea of all this... of Sam and I being parents, of a little one who takes after us, all stubborness and hell on wheels and overtly obnoxious . . .

But I don't feel at peace for sure. I feel not at all a part of some miraculous event. I feel quite the opposite. I feel drawn into some crazy play I've never read, some alien adventure. I, quite simply, feel in way over my head.

I'm managing. And please dont' read this as some sort of giant cry for help. It's just a recognition that I am not those moms. I'm me. I'm the only kind of mom I can be, and while that might not be perfect and prepared and beautiful and perfectly at ease . . . well, it's going to have to do. And I'm pretty sure it will.

But in these moments? The days when I spend hour after hour praying to puke, then praying not to . . . it's hard to feel qualified in any way.

Ha. Welcome to the rest of my life, huh?

Oh,dear. Watching H.Clinton on Meet the Press. I so, months ago, wanted to support her. I mean a woman president!
Alas, now she just makes me mad

If you don't like my fire . . .

Big meeting today at work with all other agencies.

I'm thinking perhaps my wisest decision wasn't listening to Ben Harper's Burn One Down on repeat a half hour befor I left . . . .

I do so love me some Ben Harper. *sigh*

I miss you.

People around me are at it again.
God only knows how they do it.
One to another then back again,
something keeps putting them through it.
Me, I've been watching more than fifteen years and it hasn't changed a bit.
People keep talking about a different line
but it never seems to fit.

This is a song for you far away, far away.
This is a song for you far away from me.
This is a song for you far away, far away.
This is a song for you far away from me.

Sitting here all alone is bringing it on again,
I'm gone again.
Sitting here thinking of you is
driving it home again.

This is a song for you far away, far away.
This is a song for you far away from me.

Open the door it takes me back,
oh it takes me back.

Mention your name and I'm gone again,
oh I'm gone again.
This is a song for you far away from me,
far away from me.

-James Taylor

Mobile Posting!

And of course, the first pic is of Stitch. 'Cause what else is worth taking pics of at my work?!

Test

Got a new palm centro this weekend and !squee! mobile posting takes on all new meaning! ( I would like totake this moment to thank my sponsor, Sam, for allowing this fun-ness to happen.)

New Year - New Hair

Small One,

This is the first in many letters I'll write you, I'm sure. A way I guess to remind myself this is all real. To try to put the worries and anxiety of if this is all real, if you're real, away for a moment - and just plan, imagine, dream for the future.

I've thought a lot about what I'll want to tell you, what I'll want you to know growing up - what kind of parent I'll strive to be. What kind of parent I'll fight against being (what comes natural isn't always right, something I'm sure I'll prove to you in my actions over and over and over again.)

But mostly, when I think of some of the first things I want you to know for sure, without doubt and with utter confidence - the answer seems obvious. Stupidly, wonderfully, plainly obvious.

That I am, and your dad with me, stupidly, wonderfully, plainly in love.

We live in a world that isn't perfect. We're making the conscious decision to bring you into a world that is cruel, and mean. That is full of war and destruction. That is dirty and awful, that is slowly being destroyed - in little ways people are too selfish to think about - and in big ways that people decide every day are worth it for mere convenience and monetary gain.

People do horrible things in this world. And I don’t mean just the big stuff that mightn't ever touch you (I pray) - the genocide, the political upheaval, the sheer abandonment of millions. . . but every day people do the truly horrible things - they are ignorant to each other, they are indifferent, they are cruel in only the way you can be to those who love you most.

And yet, here we are - your dad and I, clearing space for you. Setting you in the midst of all of this, opening it up to you - putting it before you. Entering you into this world, knowing all it contains.

And I guess that's why the decision was so easy despite all the horrid things. All the horrid actions people take. Because we know all this world contains.

We know what the world can be when you find love. What the world can be with a hand tight in your own, standing at the edge of the ocean. How much it can hold, how much peace and love (and yes, here I go) understanding, is possible with the breath of your best friend there with you in the dark.

We know that no matter how the universe spins around, nothing is impossible to overcome when you have love in your life. That great change can come from the smallest of actions, and that a smile across a room can light up the very world.

So I know now, that despite all the cruelty this world holds, despite all the violence and ignorance - there is great possibility and great hope.

I always had hoped for it, always had held it in my heart like a precious secret - but now, now I know it. As sure as the ground beneath my feet, the sky above my head. And that's what I want for you, and I think the thing that taught me this most dramatically, what pointed to it, led me there, and keeps me there without waiver - is what will also hold you.What I hope will be ever so real for you.

That your dad and I are stupidly, wonderfully, plainly, in love. With each other, and with every day that passes - with the very idea of you. There are few things in this world that are constant, but few are as stalwartly as this.

You are coming into a world, a home, where love is prevalent. Where it is in every aspect of our lives, and burns bright enough to keep the ugliness at bay.

I refuse to believe that this is common, but rather believe it is something we’ve been blessed with – your dad and I. Something to be treasured and nourished; and that’s how we treat it. Not a day goes by I’m not thankful for it. Not a day goes by we don’t make the conscious effort to keep it.

And we will do the same with you. Are doing the same, already. Every day. Being thankful and conscious. Filling our space with love.

I think despite all the other things we may mess up for you, this one thing will make up.

Finally - it Begins!

So this past year there's been a lot of planning, a lot of thinking - a lot of work into this new campaign I'm working on - and I'm quite excited about where it's going.

Last night, the very beginnings of it went live.

In a couple months, the whole thing will be there. So if you're curious about what it is exactly I do, well, perhaps this won't help much. . . but I'd love to hear what you think and answer whatever questions you have. Funnily enough it's been a running joke I've been so involved and NOT our target audience (moms).

Guess that problem is solved now . . . .

So, go! Sign up for emails! (It makes me look good.) :)

Three

I wasn't sure what to write, or exactly how to say it. That and with so many loved ones to call, so many friends to tell in person - and yet it being such personal news . . .well, I just couldn't find the words right away.

That, and it seemed so precious. Something just for the two of us. Something that was just ours. Much like our vacation, it was something no one else knew. Something no one else could understand. Yes, others had been where we had been. Had seen what we had seen - but none like us. No one had our experience, our travels, our memories, our stories. It was just ours, that three weeks. Made all the more precious to me because.

And this was like that. I cherished holding it close. Having it just be ours. The looks I could give him, the squeeze of my hand he gave me. We sent emails back and forth, came home and planned and hoped and dreamed.

None of it felt real or safe - that it was all so magical and so unbelievable it might vanish as fast as it seemed to happen.

But, eventually, we shared our secret. One friend and family member at a time. The response of love and support has been overwhelming, exhilarating. Though, I will admit here, in our small home as we talk of furniture and rearranging and weeks and plans - it really is still ours.

Our precious, small news. Our new, precious small family.

Our soon-to-be new, small family of three.

New Year, New Beginnings

So, it's been a crazy month or so. Sam and I returned from our trip to Asia exhausted, excited and renewed. I found out my job is being transferred of sorts to a new part of the company (a good, awesome part of it - whereas now I work in a part that just doesn't on a very basic level understand what I do, I'll be in a place that not just gets it - but VALUES it) and decided if ever I should be happy with my job it was now -

And so I went into my boss, told her what I know I'm worth and asked ever so politely that if she could work it out - title and compensation, I would stay. Otherwise I would give my two weeks in the coming year.

Within the week I was told it would happen - and while I'm not counting my chickens, things look very good for my professional life come January 2008.

Sam's job, is of course stellar, and he's being rewarded properly for it as well, giving us yet another reason to enjoy the city yet another year.

It seems, just when I think we'll go - something happens to make us stay.I'm not sure how it happens, but it always does. This city has truly become home to me, and I can't say I'm disappointed we're here for another year or so. Sitting in Montana watching "Elf" with Sam's family, all I could think was how much I missed my city all dressed up for the season, the energy that permeates this place unlike any other time of year . . .

And speaking of Montana, it was lovely. I got horribly sick, and wish I hadn't. But I did what I could to soldier through (though I did a lousy job of that). Regardless, it was three-plus days with family - lots of laughing, talking and eating - just like the holidays are supposed to be. I don't think I'll ever get used to not seeing my mom and dad over the holidays - but Sam's family is always so wonderful to me while I'm there it all but makes up.

And now we're home. Sam's at work and I'm sitting here surrounded by kleenex watching daytime tv and loving the fact I get this week off every year. Home, now, I feel worlds better and have no doubt that by early next week I'll be set and good as new.

I hope you all had wonderful holidays. It's crazy to me yet another year has flown by, but I guess I shoudl save that entry for new years. . .

MERRY YULE, EVERYONE!

And, specifically today, Happy Solstice.

(And of course, Happy Christmas, and everything in between) We're off to Montana (it's currently three thirty in the morning (KILL ME NOW)to see Sam's family. (We had to get the first flight out in case there were weather delays)

I can't wait to get there, holidays with the Stiers clan are always a blast. Know I'll be thinking of all of you - tho more than likely there will be no proof of it here . . .no connection in the western land and all that.

Take care!

Doing my part to share

Holiday joy and laughter.

Fully aware that I'm probably years behind and you've already seen all this.

http://www.planetunicorn.tv/episodes.html