This is a few days old, of course. It seems with two my time to sit in quiet and find the words I need to let you know how fast and wonderfully time is flying by is a bit harder now than it was when it was just your sister about - but here we are, better late than never. It's so important to me you know what these days were like.
These days when we were first falling in love with you. These days when our family, a day, an hour, a moment at a time was being made whole.
This month has been amazing, I have to say. Slowly my fear you aren't truly ours has started to subside, though I still have a catch in my heart every time you cry. I still go crazy until your in my arms, until I have you (crying or no) close to me where you feel safe.
You've definitely found your voice, though honestly, I don't think you ever had want for it. It seems you've been talking since you first caught your breath, and hearing your tiny coos and hubs are just magic. Your dad, sister and I just sit and listen sometimes as you tell your stories.
And, oh, it's not just been you that's been magic here these past weeks. Samaire has embraced being a big sister with all she is and her love is filling every corner of our apartment. It's palpable and ferocious and absolutely undeniable. She smothers you (quite literally at times) with kisses and hugs and pats and is heartbroken you can't purposely hold her hand yet. She sits next to you on the couch and reads you books, regales you with made-up stories and songs and will often translate for you when your dad and I can't figure out what you need or want.
Her favorite thing to do with you, however, is to sing "April Showers" by Sugarland to you. She knows all the words and when it seems nothing is working, she will insist we put it on - as, often, Dad holds you and I hold her - and we sing it as a family. These are my favorite moments. She knows all the words, and as we sing and dance as a family in our tiny apartment, I know our lives cannot possibly become more sweet or wonderful. It seems to always calm you, and usually by the time we're done your eyes are heavy and you're cooing along with our melody.
I guess most of all that's what I've spent most of my time this month thinking - that you've come into our lives at such the perfect moment in such the perfect way. Turning our little threesome into a quartet - turning our lives in so many ways upside down, or perhaps rather righting them. I'm so very happy. Happy to have you here and watch you grow, happy to be your mommy, happy to see Samaire be a big sister, happy to see your daddy have a son.... happy beyond words can ever contain.
Your month birthday landed on Mother's Day, so I got to spend all day being ecstatic over you and your sister - which is what it's all about, no? We celebrated your birthday perfectly - taking you to your first Mets game. Sam and Maire had a celebratory breakfast on your behalf of pecan honey caramel rolls before we left, and then we spent a great afternoon in a box suite (Thank you, Uncle Mangan!!) watching the Mets. We came home after the game and watched a movie on the PS3 Papa and Grandma Bell got us and then went to bed early, all snuggled up and warm. Despite the Mets' loss, it was still a pretty fantastic first-month-birthday, I think.
And now, a few days later, I sit here on the couch typing as you sleep peacefully in your bouncer. I hold you and snuggle you as much as you'll let me, but it seems when it's just you and me as long as I talk out loud from time to time you like to have your own space to stretch out. And this isn't so bad, as I get to sit here and just stare at your absolute perfection.
I guess that's what this month has been all about - appreciating every moment as it passes. Even the frightening ones, because they all led to these - these quiet, perfect, lovely moments. Our life, as a family, really feels like perfection now. I probably sound like a broken record, I know. But there it is.
You make me immeasurably happy.
Thank you, Baby Bear.
much love, your mama
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